Goals for an Emerging Artist in 2015: The Year of Emergence

February 1, 2015

To follow up on my resolutions vlog, here are my top 15 GOALS for 2015 in no particular order because I’m all about hindsight prioritizing (the ones that I actually achieve will have been my priority all along).

  • Run into the film producer who broke my heart. The one who passed on 8 Ways in favour of a Fidel Castro Biopic. I’ll be dressed really glamorously, in an evening gown if possible. The Castro biopic didn’t pan out after all, he’ll say. I’ll smile and say something really witty about the film business being a dictatorship. Ha ha. Then I’ll coyly reveal that Ellen DeGeneres has optioned my play and I can’t really talk about it at the moment. As I walk away, my gown swishing gracefully, he’ll shake his head and mutter, “I can’t believed I passed on that girl.” 

 

  • Get Ellen DeGeneres to option my play.

  • Learn how to swim without looking like I’m drowning, leaving me open to playing aquatic roles where I’m not the flailing girl who gets dragged out of the water by a lifeguard.

  • Have the last laugh over the producer who wanted me to do his rapey TV show and the producer who wanted me to do his rapey movie and who were both complete assholes to me when I created my own project. You dudes are lucky I didn’t call the cops when I read those scripts. Ew.

  • Secure some ever-elusive government funding for a project.

 

  • Write the screenplay to 8 Ways my Mother was Conceived (you know, the one that Ellen optioned).

 

  • Be able to talk about what I’m working on at a party without a) completely forgetting what it is I’m working on even though I am at it for over 80 hours a week b) making self-effacing comments

 

  • Become Mindy Kaling’s bestie

 

  • Forgive at least one person I’ve blacklisted for not sharing Sex & Ethnicity’s Youtube page.

 

  • Be on a billboard. Any billboard. Well, preferably not one for haemorrhoid treatment. But even then, it’s still a billboard.

 

  • Find the Christmas ad I did in an Italian newspaper for my parents’ deli where I posed with a wheel of parmigiano while wearing a Santa hat and DESTROY IT. I’ll even destroy the newspaper office if I have to. I don’t want Ellen putting that up on the screen during our interview about how she optioned my play.

 

  • Spend no more than 10 minutes a week considering whether to go back to school in psychology, or accounting, or dentistry or window repair or whatever it is you need to study in order to become one of those police negotiators who talk people down from buildings

 

  • Send Joss Whedon one last tweet and then accept that he’s lost his chance forever

 

  • Learn not to care what people think about me. That’s right. No more tears. I’m a big kid now.

 

  • Vow to retire when getting a new creative idea no longer causes me to produce this facial expression:

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